What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 12:30
She found it foreign!.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
When British people write X after everything, are they being serious or trying not to be awkward?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But ive been too sick for many years..
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Im still living with it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We were not on the streets..
I could never make a relationship work though!
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She loved him until the end.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
This is soul school!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I waited trembling.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I write beautiful poetry .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As i do to all so called friends.?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Ive learnt so much.
I don,t even have a pension.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I have no regrets .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
All the time i was locked up.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
She married twice! .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Was to survive, this bastard.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My life is so biszare .
Put me off passion for life!!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My family never makes their pension either.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was seconnd youngest,
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
When she asked me how she looked .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She wouldn,t have been !
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
It was going to be , some day.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was scared of men, in general
I think the readers, may guess!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I said to her
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I couldn’t, believe it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We all went to grammer schools
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it wasn’t much.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He resisted the act ,that day.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She was in good health!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
And i lived it daily.
I will be 64.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So, i spoilt her more .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
One cannot live in the past .
He knew the spot.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was very sick at this time too.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
What did i know ?
Why did i forgive my father ?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And who doesn’t know suffering?
So whats the point in blame.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Comes on , in middle age.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Would this be the day?
I was 9 years of age.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.